Are you ready to talk some football? It’s that time again. Time for the eagerly anticipated, truly splendiferous, awesomely breathtaking NFL draft, when fans gather to listen to a gaggle of has-beens and never-weres pontificate endlessly about what a bunch of 19-year-olds will do six months from now when they finally get on a football field. Millions hold their breath as a middle-aged administrator walks onto stage to read a name. This could be the one. The savior who will lead us to Super Bowl glory (once Tom Brady finally retires). Be still my beating heart.
It is hard to overstate the hysteria that surrounds this annual jamboree. Last year over 55 million people tuned in to listen to Mel Kiper, Jr. and his team of troglodytes go on and on about the virtues and short-comings of a herd of acne-scarred behemoths who may, but probably will not, change the course of football history. That blows the World Series, the Oscars and the Presidential debates out of the water (not that I can argue with the viewer’s choice on the debates).
I follow the picks on the internet on draft day, and tune in, if I’m not doing anything else, to see how the Eagles will throw away their first-round pick this year (remember Danny Watkins, Marcus Smith and Freddie Mitchell?). But as much of a football fan as I am, I cannot listen to 4 hours of a testosterone filled bitch fest with no games on the horizon, let alone bury myself in the three-day marathon that encompasses all seven rounds. There has to be a limit somewhere.
All that being said, you have to give Kiper and the Kipettes credit. They have an incredible amount of time to fill and have amassed an endless supply of meaningless statistics to do so. For instance, did you know that Zeplin Stankowitz of Hamburger U. led the Condiment League in balls batted back in the QB’s face (3), can bench squat a full-grown gnu, and credits his grandmother, who raised him in a chicken coop, for his success, making him a perfect fit for the Arizona Cardinals? Or that Orville Schicklgruber of the Maharishi University of Management ran a 3.8 40 after someone hit him in a sensitive spot during a fumble recovery, can chug 5 beers in 30 seconds, and credits his great Aunt, who once played for the Minnesota Vixens, for his success, making him a must for the Jacksonville Jaguars?
The absence of a live audience again this year will make the 2021 “event” even more monotonous. Frankly, the most entertaining part of the spectacle is watching the crowd react to a bad pick. The shellshocked look on the team representative’s face as the boos rain down is priceless. That was why Philadelphia was the perfect city to host the draft in 2019. Our teams may stink, but we know how to boo!!!
I must confess that I once went to an NBA draft party thrown by the Sixers with my friends Jon and Dawson. The crowd wanted the Sixers to draft Vlade Divac, even though none of us had ever seen this Serbian play, continuously chanting his melodic, vampiric name (Vlade, Vlade!!). When the Sixers chose Kenny Payne instead, we all booed (of course), until a Sixer rep came out and tearfully assured us that Payne would be a superstar. It turned out that the crowd was right. Divac was an outstanding player for many years, and Payne a bum from day one. By the way, the Sixers never hosted a draft party again after that. I wonder why.
I really shouldn’t complain about the draft, or sports generally. For many of us sports remains the easiest conversation starter, and one of the least fraught with pitfalls. It is one of the few things that people with strong opinions can talk about in this crazy world and still (generally) avoid screaming at each other. Plus it is fun to endlessly speculate on what might be before being hit in the face with reality (Unless you happen to be from Tampa – curse you Alfarone). Still, the religious fervor is hard to take.
I sincerely hope that I have not rained on anyone’s parade. If you want to sit through this annual gathering of the football clans, have at it. I will undoubtedly turn it on for the Eagles pick, unless it’s opposite the episode of Love Boat where Doc falls off the boat while giving rhumba lessons. Julie and Gopher commandeer a dinghy to go look for him while Isaac plots to take over Doc’s spacious cabin. Captain Stubing turns the ship around, putting his job in jeopardy, only to find the three of them safe and sound drinking Mai Tais with Mr. Roarke and Tattoo on Fantasy Island. Phyllis Diller and Robert Goulet guest star.
😂😂 kudos from Champa Bay!
Tom, these are getting better and better. Seriously, what do you really think? HL Mencken has nothing on you. Hysterical. And yes, I remember that NBA draft party well – Vlade proved us all right, even if he didn’t turn out to be much of a GM. And where’s Kenny Payne????
I just looked it up. Payne is an assistant with the Knicks!!!!