Have a Merry Hallmark Christmas

Recently I have been exposed to Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. I say exposed to, not watched. They have been on in the background while I have done other things. However, my exposure was enough to gain a significant appreciation for these feats of cinematic wonder. There is more going on here than meets the eye.

I am sure that most of you know that the Hallmark Channel is the premier purveyor of Christmas content. Hallmark’s “Countdown to Christmas” began on October 20 and runs through December 21. This year’s festive bonanza includes 31 film premiers and nine original “Miracles of Christmas” movies and mysteries. You get more  streaming content on “Hallmark Movies Now”, with such features as never-before-seen scenes from previous holiday hits, like 2022’s “Three Wise Men and a Baby” (the Director’s cut?).

I know that some traditionalists will gripe about a countdown to Christmas starting before Thanksgiving. But give Hallmark credit. They not only could care less what you think, they are rubbing it in your faces by starting the countdown in mid-October. As Ovid once said, “The bold adventurer succeeds the best.”

The fact that Hallmark has come up with so many new films in the midst of strikes by both writers and actors must be viewed as a holiday miracle in and of itself. I know certain cynics will respond that the plot lines and on-screen talent in these movies are so similar that all Hallmark needed was one scab writer locked in a shabby hotel room and a directory for the Model Alliance to pull this off. But I don’t think that’s giving Hallmark enough credit. For us peons the Christmas countdown may start in mid-October, but for them it commences year after year on December 26.

In fact, they do use more than one writer. I know, I checked it out (unless the one writer they have is using pseudonyms like the blacklisted Hollywood Ten, which is possible). These annual movies are a huge employment boon for Hollywood talent. To get them all done Hallmark employs hundreds of directors, camera operators, editors, make-up artists, gaffers, grips and best boys. And while I doubt if they’re the best paying jobs in the business, I am pretty sure that there is no truth to the rumor that these movie magic worker bees are being paid minimum wage and a buy one, get one free coupon for seasonal greeting cards.

Let’s not forget the musicians and musical composers. It does seem that there was only one score composed for use in all these films, but the composer who wrote that score is doing just fine. Plus, a host of violinists are needed to bring this misty-eyed music to life. There is also the inevitable penultimate scene when it appears that the would-be lovers are not going to unite despite their mutual infatuation, and a melancholy acoustic folk song or two is inserted to bring the pathos home. Let’s face it, these troubadours aren’t finding many other outlets for their plaintive musings.

Then there are the on-screen thespians. Granted, only certain types need apply. For men, casting is clearly done at gyms all over Los Angeles. If you don’t have bulging pecs and a Fabio face with the hair to match, you’re out of luck. The women are all attractive, but in a wholesome, small town girl kind of way. No Jessica Rabbit’s for these films. Even the mononymous named “Rikki” (think Cher), in the classic “Catch a Christmas Star” is more Molly Ringwald than Madonna.

Of course, it takes more than romantic leads to make a Christmas movie. You need the wise old Grandma or Grandpa to impart shrewd words of advice like “Follow your heart dear”, or “Don’t eat the fruitcake”. And there is the inevitable obnoxious precocious kid sister or brother to propel the action and provide comic relief through a well-aimed but prescient barb. Mix in a cuddly puppy or two and you are sure to have unbridled enchantment.

Hallmark movies also have much to teach. For example, apparently minor royalty is alive and well in Europe. There appear to be enough rich princes and princesses to fulfill the dreams of a slew of provincial boys and girls. How else can you explain “A Royal Queens Christmas”, “A Royal Christmas”, “A Royal Runaway Romance”, “A Royal Winter” and let’s not forget “A Royal Corgi Christmas”. Apparently, all these young royals are bored with their jet setting lifestyle and just want to settle down in a quaint American town with a wholesome milk fed lad or lass. Who knew.

You can also see the world through Hallmark. Whether it’s “A Merry Scottish Christmas”, “Joyeux Noel”, My Norwegian Holiday”, “A Heidelberg Holiday” or, my hometown favorite, “Miracle in Bethlehem, Pa.”, you will experience Christmas throughout the globe. Not to worry. No matter where Hallmark takes you everyone speaks English, even the French, with or without British accent. In fact, the same is true of the plethora of minor royalty as well. Plus, all these diverse people and places have pretty much the same good old American holiday traditions (unless you count that Scottish Christmas Haggis). How convenient can you get.

There is also plenty of diversity. Among the 164 Christmas movies streaming on the Hallmark Channel, at least 3 or 4 star Black actors, 2 or 3 celebrate those eight crazy days of Hanukkah, and there are even gays couples thrown in here or there. There are also crime thrillers (“Mystery on Mistletoe Lane”), reunited families (“My Southern Family Christmas”), and cats rather than dogs (“The Nine Kittens of Christmas”). A true plethora of human, and animal, experience.

But what really makes Hallmark movies special is their ability to wring tears from even a cold-hearted Scrooge. I dare you to stay dry-eyed when tabloid Journalist Charlotte learns that the reclusive Count she fell for in “A Not so Royal Christmas” is really a gardener, or when, despite his lying ways, they reunite, and he is made a real Count by the King of Sorhagen. Not even a small-hearted Grinch could avoid misting up during “A Prince for Christmas” when upstate New York diner waitress Emma realizes that the “David” she is smitten with is really the engaged Prince Duncan of Balemont, or when Duncan rejects his arranged marriage to settle with Emma.

I could go on and on, but I’ve already wasted too much time writing this. “Undercover Holiday” is coming on soon, followed by “#XMAS”, and I need to get to the store to restock on tissues. They’re not for me, of course. Remember, I don’t actually watch these films. Still, somebody might need them. Just saying.